Cherish?

I have always heard it said in movies, read it in books & online in blog articles, I’ve heard probably 50+ people say it since the kids first came home to us, “be sure and cherish these years, they are the best, you’ll blink and they’ll be gone…“. I totally believe this, and I know it’s important. And if you’re anything like me, you’re waiting for the ….but….?

This is hard for me, I’m naturally inclined to be a planner — shoot, even the Scout Motto is “Be Prepared”, and being a good Eagle Scout — that is definitely part of my life now (just ask my wife, it’s obnoxious 🤣). But being prepared isn’t always easy. And being hyper prepared probably makes it even harder to slow down, rest & cherish the moments and memories being made.

But slowing down enough to even rest & reflect on what I would love to cherish is hard! Our kids are toddlers after all, and there are two of them, 2 and a half and 1 and a half (and soon it will be 3!) — slowing down with those precious little people is not a feat easily done! I am still learning (nearly 9 months later) how to possibly find margin enough to rest. And in the moments I find a little rest, I struggle to remember to think back and cherish this whirlwind — because usually if I sit that still, I fall asleep 🙂

So back to that ‘…but…’ — I struggle with the cherishing. I guess this is my online confession. I want to cherish these moments, I want to enjoy everything, I want to smile & laugh more than think about all that has to be done — but it is hard. I let the ‘Eagle Scout’ in me take over & start to think about what we will do when we outgrow 1.5 Bathrooms, what happens when (not if) we need to have 2 vehicles that fit 5 of us? How can I possibly keep up with my ‘jungle yard’ and be a good Dad & Husband? You get the idea… I could go on and on. But these thoughts/concerns/plans consume me. And arguably, they might be helping to strip away my joy.

Because what makes this even harder, I can’t really make any plans — because our kids aren’t our kids yet. And I know, all children are God’s, and we absolutely view them as a blessing from God to steward, love & care for. But we aren’t their legal Mommy & Daddy yet. That fact alone makes so much of this planning nearly impossible. I know you could say none of us can know what God has for us later, and that is certainly accurate — but this is more real to us than ever before (in this situation). We have no idea what our future will hold, have our precious 3 found their forever home? We don’t know — and it’s brutal hard. It’s probably why I try TOO hard to plan out what I can in the future, because I can’t protect my kids & plan for their future yet the way a Birth Dad can.

But for now, I must learn to cherish. I want to be a good, consistent, loving, gentle father — and I am understanding more and more each day how vital “cherishing every moment” is to being that Dad.

More importantly, I think I need to remember how important it is to trust God, if He brought us into this new adventure, He has been overly faithful so far — knowing that, I need to surrender and be faithful to let Him guide me onward.

Deep breath. Yes.

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take up my yoke and learn from me, because I am lowly and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

— Matt. 11:28-30

Advertisements

Protector

We are long overdue for a Maloy Family post… lots of chaos lately! But a thought struck  me this week that I needed to sit down and get out of me (and share with you).

We have had our share of ups and downs in our 6 months of being Foster Parents, and we have certainly had more than our share of blessings.  That said, I will be honest — we would absolutely love to adopt our kids.  We cannot imagine life without them now, even though everything has changed so drastically.  But adoption for us is not a certainty. There are a lot of details we cannot share — but suffice it to say, there are many hoops to jump through and we need to allow the system to handle it appropriately, and if the opportunity comes, we will certainly adopt.

But, this is hard.  We kiss our kids goodnight, tuck them in, and then check on them half a dozen times before we hit the sack — and there is no promise that they’ll be there in a year, or even a month.  That’s just the reality of Foster Care.  It is hard.

I give all this “vague” backstory to tell you this — it is hard for me as a Dad.  I want to protect my family, I want to protect my kids.  I believe Dads/Husbands/Men are called to protect and sacrifice for those around them.  I would do everything in my ability to make this happen for my family, my wife, and my children.  But with my kids, it’s very difficult to guarantee I can protect them forever.  I may not be able to protect them from whatever the outcome is in their particular case.  I hope it’s in their best interest, and I hope that means adoption with us — but there is NO guarantee I can protect them from what could happen in the future.

Now this is not an ominous blog post, and this is not a soapbox about the Foster Care System — this is simply me, a Foster Dad, sharing my heart about the struggle I have each day (especially when I am reminded of the uncertainty of my fatherhood), and the difficulty in not being able to protect my kids from whatever uncertainty may come in their lives.

It is really hard.  But it has taught me (again) the deep importance in surrender.  That I must trust this to God.  I cannot manipulate, control or change the situation.  I can simply love and protect my kids each day and surrender the worry of the future to God.  It’s a very unsettling and very peaceful place to be. 

Family Man

In a few days it will have been 5 months since our little kiddos came to our home. It’s funny because I can barely remember life before February 9th — and it’s okay.

Everything about our lives has changed in the last 5 months — our morning routine is totally different, we get up way earlier, go to bed way earlier, there are cheerios all over the house, we listen to a lot more kid music, we have random dance parties, we all stand and look out the front storm door a lot more to see what’s happening in the cul-de-sac, we have new fresh outlook on the importance of favorite teddy bears and giraffes, we also calm down fussy moments, anticipate possible meltdowns, and pray that naptime and bedtime come easy — but every little bit of this new life is totally worth it.

I could list all the things I (we) have given up, sacrifices that have been made, stressful moments and nerve-wracking changes — but truth be told, it doesn’t matter. My life has changed, our lives have all changed — and it’s good. It’s so much better than I would have expected.  To be blunt, we know it’s because God has been faithful just like He promises to be.  He called us to be Foster Parents, to love His kids in our home that didn’t have a home — why in the world would He not be there with us to remind us of the big picture, of His goodness, and of the love we have for these kids.  It’s foolish, but how often we all forget to abide in Christ, trust God & rely on the Holy Spirit to guide us and prepare us.  We try so often to do things in our own strength.  If nothing else, this process & the last 5 months, have been a concentrated dose of forced “STOP TRYING IN YOUR OWN POWER” — after all, Paul reminded us of this in 2 Corinthians:

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

— 2 Corinthians 2:9-10 ESV

I definitely continue to pray that I will be content in my weaknesses, and in the certain calamities to come.  When it’s hard to let go and trust — I need to more quickly ask God to help me trust, if nothing else for the sake of my kids, who deserve a Dad who is willing to admit his weakness and trust The Lord to love them and grow them well.

For a LOT of reasons, the Andrew Peterson song, Family Man, is really resonating with me this days.  I always liked this song, it is on one of my favorite albums, but I never LOVED the song.  But the last couple weeks it’s been stuck in my head & heart.  I’ll post a link to listen to it (Click for Song/Video: Family Man by Andrew Peterson), and the lyrics below — but there are a few lines that I truly identify with — they are in red below.

Family Man — Andrew Peterson, from Love & Thunder

I am a family man
I traded in my Mustang for a minivan
This is not what I was headed for when I began
This was not my plan, I am a family man

But everything I had to lose
Came back a thousand times in you
And you fill me up with love, fill me up with love
And you help me stand ’cause I am a family man

And life is good, that’s something I always knew
But I just never understood
If you’d asked me then you know I’d say I never would
Settle down in a neighborhood, I never thought I could

But I don’t remember anymore
Who I even was before
You filled me up with love
Filled me up with love, and you help me stand

So come on with the thunder clouds
Let the cold wind rail against us, let the rain come down
We can build a roof above us with the love we’ve found
We can stand our ground, so let the rain come down

Because love binds up what breaks in two
So keep my heart so close to you
And I’ll fill you up with love, fill you up with love
And I’ll help you stand ’cause I am a family man

I’m saving my vacation time for Disneyland
This is not what I was headed for when I began
This was not my plan, it’s so much better than

Haha, ironically half of the song is in red now — hopefully you just read the whole thing.  Everything about that song is so true.  First of all, there are lines that just resonate around in my mind & heart over and over — phrases like, “But I don’t remember anymore, who I even was before”, and “I traded in my mustang for a minivan” (which is ironic because we are minivan shopping and the 4Runner will go).  More deeply, I see a man who is learning to surrender and trust God’s love, but then by the end of the song he is passing along the love God has shown him to his children.  Maybe I love this song so much more now because it’s become a prayer of sorts — almost an affirmation of how perfect the beautiful chaos is that came so quickly into our lives 5 months ago.

I’ll leave you with this line from the song, “And life is good, that’s something I always knew, but I just never understood”.  Amen.   

Redeeming the Ordinary

Often I struggle to know what to share, what to write down, what to record.  There are so many things that happen every day with the kids (and everything else).  People remind us how important it is to share our story, but I don’t always see it.  We are so very ordinary.

After all, we wake up early & groggy in a regular home, a normal quiet neighborhood, load up our stuff and the kids & drive to work like everyone else, work hard all day long, then hop in the heavy flow of traffic toward home, feed the kids & play for awhile, hurry to finish chores after the kids are in bed, then rather anti-climatically, we crash pretty early and repeat the process the next morning.  (p.s. that long run-on sentence is sometimes what life feels like now!)  From the zoomed out view, it’s all rather trite and mundane.  But when I take the time to think, I know that isn’t true.  I know that when I make the time to breathe, to rest and slow down — God allows me to see all the beautiful ways our life has changed forever.  (another p.s. — I don’t think this is exclusive to our lives as Foster Parents, but all of us…)

Of course our life is chaotic, but there are so many beautiful moments.  Moments like when we are sitting in traffic and little brother starts up a very joyful, yet indistinguishable song — then little sister joins in.  They are both loud, off pitch, can’t really speak words yet, and it is perfect.  We also have so many sweet moments of both kids sitting in their beloved wagon, going for a walk in the neighborhood — both will be giggling, laughing, pointing at every critter and creature they see & waving at all the neighbors and shouting ‘bye!’ — please note, they’re saying ‘bye’ not ‘hi’ — it’s cute and bizarre.  I certainly cannot forget the sheer glee little brother has when he sees a garbage truck — it’s as though there is no other happiness in the world aside from that trash truck.  There are countless other beautiful moments — and often, I fail to cherish them.  I often fail as a father to look back throughout the day and ponder and reflect.  I get task-oriented and move on to the next item without giving myself the grace to enjoy the tremendous blessing this all has been to us thus far.

Truthfully, I want a different life — maybe a new way of living.  I don’t want to live in a manner that I don’t enjoy & cherish the memories as they’re being made.  I don’t want to be so focused on being efficient and getting things done that I miss out on the daily miracles in our home & lives.  So now that I am realizing this a bit more clearly, I need to make some changes (although I suspect I will come to this realization more than once, as I have wanted to slow down and enjoy before & at some point after, allowed myself to get swept up in the hustle and bustle).

We are nearing 4 months into this little adventure with Thing 1 and Thing 2 — and I don’t want to look back in a year, or five years or 15 years and not have tried to experience all the beautiful, miraculous things God is doing in these kids (and our) lives each day.

So here’s to a fresh refocus on my part — and an exploration in setting new boundaries for myself and learning once more, to prioritize well.  In the spirit of new beginnings — I want to cling to these passages from Scripture and hope they help me focus on the restoration God can, and wants to bring — I will pray for His help to surrender well.

Perhaps our life is ordinary — but if we slow down, it’s in the ordinary that I believe God shows us the most beautiful things.  He is able to make ordinary broken people & their lives quite beautiful when we surrender and trust Him completely.  He is redeeming the world around us, He is making things new each morning and bringing joy to our normal, ordinary, seemingly humdrum & unremarkable lives.  And for that, I am grateful today.

Lamentations 3:22-23 CSB:
“Because of the Lord’s faithful love
we do not perish,
for his mercies never end.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness!”

Psalm 30:4-5 ESV:
“Sing praises to the Lord, O you his saints,
    and give thanks to his holy name.
For his anger is but for a moment,
    and his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night,
    but joy comes with the morning.”

Instant Parenthood

I love that title, it’s borrowed from a dear friend in Oklahoma (with some Bonus Boys) — and ironically fit with a blog post festering in my mind lately.

Being a foster parent can be a lot to swallow at times.  Gosh, even really thinking of yourself as a parent is a challenge.  For folks who have babies, they have months to prep and ease into parenthood.  And it’s still overwhelming then too!  But sometimes I wrestle with acknowledging myself as a parent.  I fear others would receive me viewing myself as a Dad, without birth kids yet, as cheapening their parenthood.  So sometimes I shy away from really thinking of myself as a Dad.

But the reality is, that’s not true or fair (to myself or the kids).  When you are up several times a night, when the whole family gets sick one after another in a week, when the 1-year old is getting 3 teeth in one day (and hasn’t really learned how to soothe or be comforted), when you have baby gates everywhere, when everything is baby proofed, when you have changed 3 diapers (on one kid) before leaving the house at 7am, when you have to think 8 steps ahead to avoid unnecessary 2-year old meltdowns… you’re a Dad.

When your back hurts inexplicably (but you know why…), you’re a Dad.  When you get just as sick as the kids were & you have to power through, you’re a Dad.  When you worry about coughs & congestion, and spend an absurd amount of your money on medicine to help, you’re a Dad.  When you are gently hold your hand on your nearly asleep baby girl, praying that God will help her grow up strong, brave & true — you are a Father.  It doesn’t matter if you had 9 months (or years) of preparation for the baby — or if like us, you had 3-4 hours of warning before everything changed. 

I may not be my children’s birth father, but I am their father.   My kids may have been a Friday morning surprise in February, but that doesn’t change our love for them and our hope that they can remain forever.  God has entrusted us with these precious children (and difficult children, let’s be real…) — and we are called to love them completely and accept them fully, just as God loves us.  The expectation is no different from parents who have given birth to children.  God loves these kids SO much more than we possibly could — and we are just His hands and feet to protect them, love them, guide them, shepherd them, make them laugh & love them.

That afternoon when the kids came home, we became parents.  It’s not always easy to remember, sometimes it still feels like it’s a dream we had — but it’s true — we are parents.

Instant parenthood is still parenthood —
and foster parents are indeed, parents — Moms & Dads.

In all the overwhelming and fast change we have had, and keep having — a few verses come to mind often during the chaos & quiet.  I suspect they come to mind as a prompt from the Spirit to listen and ponder — I should listen more.  This is one of the verses that comes to mind most often:

“Because of the Lord’s faithful love
we do not perish,
for His mercies never end.
They are new every morning;
great is Your faithfulness!”

— Lamentations 3:22-23 CSB

Terrible In-Between

We are just slightly over a month into this new adventure.  It’s mind-boggling to consider all the changes in such a short amount of time.

  • There are baby gates everywhere in our home
  • Thanks to baby-proofing — no one, including adults, can open any drawers in the kitchen
  • All door knobs are harder to open with kid-safe handles
  • We sleep very lightly thinking every noise is a kiddo waking up!
  • Dad has gotten to be a master of getting two kids loaded and unloaded into the truck for school
  • Mom is master of being two steps ahead of any possible kiddo meltdowns
  • Cookies & kid snacks are hidden in all bags, coats, car, etc…
  • There really is no such thing as ‘free time’ anymore… or staying up late!
  • And SO many more…

And every one of those changes is totally worth it.  Because these kids are a gift, a treasure to take care of and love well.  For now, whether forever or not, we are their family, their Mom & Dad, their home.

I am convinced, even after a month, it is incredibly difficult (if not impossible) to really love kids the way they need to be loved without getting attached.  Kids need the reassurance & confidence of a home, family & unconditional love — and it’s difficult to give those things and keep the children at a safe distance where you (and the kids) don’t get attached.    You could give them a safe place, bed and food — but if they do not feel safe, supported, affirmed, loved & that they are home — it is lacking.  Kids need to know they are home.  But that means you AND the kids will get attached, because that is what home does to us — it draws us in & makes us safe — we want to abide & remain.

I say all of that (and it’s wordy…) because it is incredibly tough to live in the anguish & torment of a VERY unknown future.  Now of course we all know that nothing is guaranteed and each day is a gift — but rarely do we really live that way.  But with our kids future so full of uncertainty, we are faced with that terrible in-between every single day.  We don’t know if the kids will get to stay with us and we don’t know what their Mom’s future holds — but we do know they are a gift.  They are a gift from God, a treasure that we are to cherish & love as long as we can.  If that is for a short time (which is a painful thought) or if it is forever (hard for different reasons) — we promised to love those kids and raise them in the Lord for as long as the Lord had them in our home.  It is painful to consider the outcomes (for a lot of reasons), but we will lean on the Lord & trust His will — because we want to, and because honestly, we have no other choice.

There is a song, by Andrew Peterson, that you would do well to listen to — it’s called “You Can Always Come Home”.  It’s on one of the kids albums I have downloaded on my phone and it is excellent.  I can’t listen to the song & sing-along without tearing up.  Here’s a link to go listen (it’s a random video of someone’s kiddo, but the song is excellent:

You Can Always Come Home

6 Days a Momma…

6 days ago we got our first placement call. I can honestly say that pure excitement took over and the logistical side fell to my husband. If you know us, that probably doesn’t surprise you. The response to our first placement call was a very loud yes. The Lord was so kind to us in how he wrote this part of our story as foster parents. It just felt (feels) right and I would say yes 10,000x’s over.

As I would imagine most placements go, the first few days are a whirlwind. There are times you aren’t sure which way is up, yet it’s so so sweet. As I reflect on my first 6 days a mom (although, arguably I have been ‘mom-ing’ 4th grade kids for 8 years now) I am humbled, and the last 6 words of Esther 4:14 ring through my mind…“for such a time as this.”

Being a foster mom was not in my plan. My husband was the first of us to approach the topic and I was apprehensive at best. The Lord softened my heart in a way that only He can, and I am grateful.

If I had said no my husband and I would have missed out on an opportunity to love these kids. To share our Hope with them. I believe that can be accomplished even when your kids are 2 under 2. God doesn’t need me to be the ‘savior’ to these kids that are coming from impossibly difficult situations. I don’t want to be. God’s the savior and His name stands without me speaking it — but do you know what is so special about all of this? God has invited us here. We are joining in His work. Not for His sake, but for ours.

Much the same as we have been invited to love these kids, God invited Esther to join Him in saving the Jewish nation. If Esther had refused, God would have still saved His people. If my husband and I had said no, God would still be putting people in place to love and save these babies, but we would have missed this opportunity. This is our opportunity…”for such a time as this.”

God’s providence the past 6 days has been sweet. His timing has not been a mistake. I can confidently say with such confidence (between yawns and cold coffee) that we are placed here, and the kids are placed here, now, and …”for such a time as this.”

So friends, enjoy the ride. There will be hot coffee later.