On the eve of my 33rd Birthday, a lot of thoughts have come to mind. I wonder if 33 is hitting me with a little more gravity and weight than 30 did. I guess time will tell.

I am finding myself more and more often struck with how beautiful life is, and then lamenting how frequently I forget that beauty. Perhaps it’s the massive shifts life has had the last 5 years, in particular the last year. Maybe it’s becoming a father that has caused a renewed retrospective on the past few years & introspective on priorities here & now. But regardless, I am oddly finding myself in a curious place in my mind and thoughts. Hopefully this brings me some clarity & maybe encourages others — or freaks them out… you never can tell with the ‘ol internet 😉.

There is so much talk in articles and in books about intentional living. There have been things on social media for years talking about ‘minimizing’ or ‘streamlining’ your life. I have read some of these items occasionally, but not a ton. But I am seeing the need, and the value in considering these things as life has moved forward. Much like the old adage, “if you don’t control your money, it will control you”, I know if I fail to cherish my time — it will be lost.

So perhaps this is a confession, or a sharing of my thoughts to give myself some pretend accountability — but I am most certainly putting these thoughts down to help me process and think it all through.

I don’t have the luxury of floating in life, the luxury of not taking my thoughts captive, taking my time captive — and using it for the things I find the most value in. And perhaps I should take that a step farther — the things I find the most value in that will help my family to grow in The Lord. And I think the tough reality is, if there are certain life-giving things, things I find value in — it means saying no to things that suck life, don’t give value to my family. Haha, aside from things like taxes or mowing the yard…

Things we value & give life to us:

• Being healthy & focusing on it
• More social. Less media.
• Being able to laugh, a lot
• Taking time to find joy in all the little stuff
• Writing more (personal and letters)
• Making time to be a home full of music
• Spending time exploring and enjoying creation
• Planting a garden for the kids to learn & building a chicken house for them to enjoy & help (specifically BIG chickens…)
• Reading books together as a family
• Slowing down enough to love those around us, teaching the kids to serve & love

I totally get that everyone has different things they find value in, no judgement — it’s definitely subjective to the person. And I want to have the margin in my life to cherish my wife, raise my children in a fun, relaxed & loving home and to live a life that brings life to others. And now that 33 has hit — something has triggered in my more deeply than it has before, it’s time for a new era of intentional living around the Maloy home. God-willing, it’ll be great.

We have been quiet on here for a long while. I think partially because we don’t feel we have anything worthwhile or wise to share — or we have so much churning inside us that we have a hard time decompressing long enough to make sense of it. I suppose that lack of time is partly the blessing/burden of Foster Care and part is probably the blessing/burden of 3 kids 2 & under. Foster Care alone or having 3 littles is enough to exhaust you emotionally, physically & spiritually — but combining both just seems unreal at times. To be fair, most times are wonderful — but it doesn’t negate the struggles entirely.

There is so much uncertainty in our lives, uncertainty that we cannot try to manipulate and move in the direction we know is best. There is a lot of injustice in the Foster Care System too — and contradictions, even that completely blow off normal common sense. But that is the “system” — and we as Foster Parents lack the ability to influence the process in ways that common sense would deem totally appropriate. Alas, we are left between the proverbial “rock and a hard place”. And some days it hits us hard.

That said, when comforting and tucking in our precious, brave, sweet little Goose for bed tonight & praying with her while holding her in my arms & rocking her back and forth — a simple reminder (we can safely assume divinely inspired) came to mind. In the Gospel of Mark, Chapter 9, there is a story about a father who comes to Jesus asking desperately for healing for his child. The father is at his end, he has no more cards to play, no tricks he can pull, no influence he can wield to get what he wants — he is desperate. Just like I feel at times, more often than not. The story goes on to the plea the father makes to Jesus — the father asks Jesus, IF HE CAN, to please heal his child. Jesus (we can assume) calmly replies, “If I can? Anything is possible to he who believes”. The man quickly blurts out, “I believe! Help my unbelief!”, and Jesus proceeds to heal the child.

I am thankful for being reminded of that story (which is incidentally one of my all time favorites — short as it is). I am thankful because it is how I feel many days, especially today. I am desperate, I am at my end, I lack the influence, the tricks & cards — I have nothing. I MUST rely on my Heavenly Father to intervene — and I do believe, but God, help my unbelief. I will falter on my own, I will stumble — I will not be strong of faith, I will lose hope, I will not believe without His help.

And oh how I want hope — oh how I want to believe. Lord, help my unbelief.

p.s. nothing is changing as far as we know — just hard days to walk through with littles that don’t always understand.

I have always heard it said in movies, read it in books & online in blog articles, I’ve heard probably 50+ people say it since the kids first came home to us, “be sure and cherish these years, they are the best, you’ll blink and they’ll be gone…“. I totally believe this, and I know it’s important. And if you’re anything like me, you’re waiting for the ….but….?

This is hard for me, I’m naturally inclined to be a planner — shoot, even the Scout Motto is “Be Prepared”, and being a good Eagle Scout — that is definitely part of my life now (just ask my wife, it’s obnoxious 🤣). But being prepared isn’t always easy. And being hyper prepared probably makes it even harder to slow down, rest & cherish the moments and memories being made.

But slowing down enough to even rest & reflect on what I would love to cherish is hard! Our kids are toddlers after all, and there are two of them, 2 and a half and 1 and a half (and soon it will be 3!) — slowing down with those precious little people is not a feat easily done! I am still learning (nearly 9 months later) how to possibly find margin enough to rest. And in the moments I find a little rest, I struggle to remember to think back and cherish this whirlwind — because usually if I sit that still, I fall asleep 🙂

So back to that ‘…but…’ — I struggle with the cherishing. I guess this is my online confession. I want to cherish these moments, I want to enjoy everything, I want to smile & laugh more than think about all that has to be done — but it is hard. I let the ‘Eagle Scout’ in me take over & start to think about what we will do when we outgrow 1.5 Bathrooms, what happens when (not if) we need to have 2 vehicles that fit 5 of us? How can I possibly keep up with my ‘jungle yard’ and be a good Dad & Husband? You get the idea… I could go on and on. But these thoughts/concerns/plans consume me. And arguably, they might be helping to strip away my joy.

Because what makes this even harder, I can’t really make any plans — because our kids aren’t our kids yet. And I know, all children are God’s, and we absolutely view them as a blessing from God to steward, love & care for. But we aren’t their legal Mommy & Daddy yet. That fact alone makes so much of this planning nearly impossible. I know you could say none of us can know what God has for us later, and that is certainly accurate — but this is more real to us than ever before (in this situation). We have no idea what our future will hold, have our precious 3 found their forever home? We don’t know — and it’s brutal hard. It’s probably why I try TOO hard to plan out what I can in the future, because I can’t protect my kids & plan for their future yet the way a Birth Dad can.

But for now, I must learn to cherish. I want to be a good, consistent, loving, gentle father — and I am understanding more and more each day how vital “cherishing every moment” is to being that Dad.

More importantly, I think I need to remember how important it is to trust God, if He brought us into this new adventure, He has been overly faithful so far — knowing that, I need to surrender and be faithful to let Him guide me onward.

Deep breath. Yes.

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take up my yoke and learn from me, because I am lowly and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

— Matt. 11:28-30

We are long overdue for a Maloy Family post… lots of chaos lately! But a thought struck  me this week that I needed to sit down and get out of me (and share with you).

We have had our share of ups and downs in our 6 months of being Foster Parents, and we have certainly had more than our share of blessings.  That said, I will be honest — we would absolutely love to adopt our kids.  We cannot imagine life without them now, even though everything has changed so drastically.  But adoption for us is not a certainty. There are a lot of details we cannot share — but suffice it to say, there are many hoops to jump through and we need to allow the system to handle it appropriately, and if the opportunity comes, we will certainly adopt.

But, this is hard.  We kiss our kids goodnight, tuck them in, and then check on them half a dozen times before we hit the sack — and there is no promise that they’ll be there in a year, or even a month.  That’s just the reality of Foster Care.  It is hard.

I give all this “vague” backstory to tell you this — it is hard for me as a Dad.  I want to protect my family, I want to protect my kids.  I believe Dads/Husbands/Men are called to protect and sacrifice for those around them.  I would do everything in my ability to make this happen for my family, my wife, and my children.  But with my kids, it’s very difficult to guarantee I can protect them forever.  I may not be able to protect them from whatever the outcome is in their particular case.  I hope it’s in their best interest, and I hope that means adoption with us — but there is NO guarantee I can protect them from what could happen in the future.

Now this is not an ominous blog post, and this is not a soapbox about the Foster Care System — this is simply me, a Foster Dad, sharing my heart about the struggle I have each day (especially when I am reminded of the uncertainty of my fatherhood), and the difficulty in not being able to protect my kids from whatever uncertainty may come in their lives.

It is really hard.  But it has taught me (again) the deep importance in surrender.  That I must trust this to God.  I cannot manipulate, control or change the situation.  I can simply love and protect my kids each day and surrender the worry of the future to God.  It’s a very unsettling and very peaceful place to be. 

In a few days it will have been 5 months since our little kiddos came to our home. It’s funny because I can barely remember life before February 9th — and it’s okay.

Everything about our lives has changed in the last 5 months — our morning routine is totally different, we get up way earlier, go to bed way earlier, there are cheerios all over the house, we listen to a lot more kid music, we have random dance parties, we all stand and look out the front storm door a lot more to see what’s happening in the cul-de-sac, we have new fresh outlook on the importance of favorite teddy bears and giraffes, we also calm down fussy moments, anticipate possible meltdowns, and pray that naptime and bedtime come easy — but every little bit of this new life is totally worth it.

I could list all the things I (we) have given up, sacrifices that have been made, stressful moments and nerve-wracking changes — but truth be told, it doesn’t matter. My life has changed, our lives have all changed — and it’s good. It’s so much better than I would have expected.  To be blunt, we know it’s because God has been faithful just like He promises to be.  He called us to be Foster Parents, to love His kids in our home that didn’t have a home — why in the world would He not be there with us to remind us of the big picture, of His goodness, and of the love we have for these kids.  It’s foolish, but how often we all forget to abide in Christ, trust God & rely on the Holy Spirit to guide us and prepare us.  We try so often to do things in our own strength.  If nothing else, this process & the last 5 months, have been a concentrated dose of forced “STOP TRYING IN YOUR OWN POWER” — after all, Paul reminded us of this in 2 Corinthians:

9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

— 2 Corinthians 2:9-10 ESV

I definitely continue to pray that I will be content in my weaknesses, and in the certain calamities to come.  When it’s hard to let go and trust — I need to more quickly ask God to help me trust, if nothing else for the sake of my kids, who deserve a Dad who is willing to admit his weakness and trust The Lord to love them and grow them well.

For a LOT of reasons, the Andrew Peterson song, Family Man, is really resonating with me this days.  I always liked this song, it is on one of my favorite albums, but I never LOVED the song.  But the last couple weeks it’s been stuck in my head & heart.  I’ll post a link to listen to it (Click for Song/Video: Family Man by Andrew Peterson), and the lyrics below — but there are a few lines that I truly identify with — they are in red below.

Family Man — Andrew Peterson, from Love & Thunder

I am a family man
I traded in my Mustang for a minivan
This is not what I was headed for when I began
This was not my plan, I am a family man

But everything I had to lose
Came back a thousand times in you
And you fill me up with love, fill me up with love
And you help me stand ’cause I am a family man

And life is good, that’s something I always knew
But I just never understood
If you’d asked me then you know I’d say I never would
Settle down in a neighborhood, I never thought I could

But I don’t remember anymore
Who I even was before
You filled me up with love
Filled me up with love, and you help me stand

So come on with the thunder clouds
Let the cold wind rail against us, let the rain come down
We can build a roof above us with the love we’ve found
We can stand our ground, so let the rain come down

Because love binds up what breaks in two
So keep my heart so close to you
And I’ll fill you up with love, fill you up with love
And I’ll help you stand ’cause I am a family man

I’m saving my vacation time for Disneyland
This is not what I was headed for when I began
This was not my plan, it’s so much better than

Haha, ironically half of the song is in red now — hopefully you just read the whole thing.  Everything about that song is so true.  First of all, there are lines that just resonate around in my mind & heart over and over — phrases like, “But I don’t remember anymore, who I even was before”, and “I traded in my mustang for a minivan” (which is ironic because we are minivan shopping and the 4Runner will go).  More deeply, I see a man who is learning to surrender and trust God’s love, but then by the end of the song he is passing along the love God has shown him to his children.  Maybe I love this song so much more now because it’s become a prayer of sorts — almost an affirmation of how perfect the beautiful chaos is that came so quickly into our lives 5 months ago.

I’ll leave you with this line from the song, “And life is good, that’s something I always knew, but I just never understood”.  Amen.   

6 days ago we got our first placement call. I can honestly say that pure excitement took over and the logistical side fell to my husband. If you know us, that probably doesn’t surprise you. The response to our first placement call was a very loud yes. The Lord was so kind to us in how he wrote this part of our story as foster parents. It just felt (feels) right and I would say yes 10,000x’s over.

As I would imagine most placements go, the first few days are a whirlwind. There are times you aren’t sure which way is up, yet it’s so so sweet. As I reflect on my first 6 days a mom (although, arguably I have been ‘mom-ing’ 4th grade kids for 8 years now) I am humbled, and the last 6 words of Esther 4:14 ring through my mind…“for such a time as this.”

Being a foster mom was not in my plan. My husband was the first of us to approach the topic and I was apprehensive at best. The Lord softened my heart in a way that only He can, and I am grateful.

If I had said no my husband and I would have missed out on an opportunity to love these kids. To share our Hope with them. I believe that can be accomplished even when your kids are 2 under 2. God doesn’t need me to be the ‘savior’ to these kids that are coming from impossibly difficult situations. I don’t want to be. God’s the savior and His name stands without me speaking it — but do you know what is so special about all of this? God has invited us here. We are joining in His work. Not for His sake, but for ours.

Much the same as we have been invited to love these kids, God invited Esther to join Him in saving the Jewish nation. If Esther had refused, God would have still saved His people. If my husband and I had said no, God would still be putting people in place to love and save these babies, but we would have missed this opportunity. This is our opportunity…”for such a time as this.”

God’s providence the past 6 days has been sweet. His timing has not been a mistake. I can confidently say with such confidence (between yawns and cold coffee) that we are placed here, and the kids are placed here, now, and …”for such a time as this.”

So friends, enjoy the ride. There will be hot coffee later.

So I woke up Friday morning like normal. I let Beau the Border Collie outside & then gave him a cookie for going potty. I hopped in the shower quickly (and singing, of course) and in words I can’t quite explain, I was sort of ‘overcome’ with this feeling God was doing something, but didn’t know what. I finished up quick (still singing though) and got ready for work. Beau and I went outside to play catch & then I jumped in the truck to ‘brave’ the commute. Little did I know that Friday, February 9th, would be the day everything changed.

Friday mid-morning, we got a call. There are a lot of details why & soon when I can sit still for more than .8 minutes at a time, I will attempt to map out God’s providence (to the best of my current knowledge & liberty to share) — because it’s amazing.

But Friday, February 9th, 2018 is the day that we got a call. And much like anyone (but us) would have guessed, it was a call for a little boy & little girl. They are just 10 months old and 22 months old — and precious. We completely expected to get older kids since we were open to older sibling groups, but let me just tell you — they are here, they are little & everything has changed.

Seeing as we didn’t know what age to expect, we had very little baby stuff. In less than 24 hours we have almost everything important for now. We have a crib, we have blankets, we have clothes, dishes, changing stuff, diapers, bathtub toys, etc. — it is AWESOME. Our family, friends & church family have just come out of the woodwork to help prepare us & provide for us immediately, and in less than 24 hours. Which is such a blessing since we were trapped until we got car seats — which we have now & need to install!

The beautiful thing about this (and I have a list of beautiful things to share with you) but we were not prepared for this. We couldn’t be prepared for this. How can you wake up on a Friday morning, sing in the shower, and a few hours later you rush home to tidy up the house because 2 littles are coming to your home at 3:30? But it’s okay, because God is faithful. And in these circumstances He has proven over & over & over how faithful He is. He has provided for us through family & friends who listen to God’s prompting to help us. Thank you to those amazing people.

And furthermore, He humbles my heart to accept the help. Because we cannot do it on our own, we can’t! It’s totally overwhelming and good. Overwhelming because, well do I even need to explain why… 2 littles under 2, Friday morning we had 0 littles, much less any kids period — overwhelming. But it’s equally so good because God get the glory for showing up to provide all we need. God gets to humble my prideful heart to accept the help and love of people around us who care deeply. Friends & family get to be the hands and feet of Jesus — helping care for the least of these. God gets to remind me over and over again of His goodness & faithfulness — and I have probably teared up more times than I can count. And I don’t care, because it is worth it.

February 9th I woke up and went to work. February 9th I went to bed (sorta… let’s be honest… I was awake most of the night) as a father of 2 precious children.

The beauty of this new life along with the brokenness that caused it to be is often too much to bear. Thankfully there are 2 littles under the age of two in our formerly clean, decorated, non-kid proof Home. There isn’t much time to really dwell too much on that stuff — you’re chasing 2 littles!

I honestly have not spent much time thinking about Scripture the last 40+ hours, but right now the verse that comes to mind as I am writing is this one below. It’s one of the times in the Bible where Mary’s reaction is stated to all the things happening around her after Jesus came to her home:

“But Mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart.”

— Luke 2:19

It’s not super profound — but sometimes real life isn’t that profound at first glance… but it’s where we are right now — and have been for 45 hours. And we are going to keep treasuring these things in our hearts.