What’s the bigger picture, the details, why am I doing this?
This is a touch self-focused perhaps, but I have really wrestled with this thought for at least a good year, probably more (stifling it when it bubbled up). Having been a youth pastor and spending many years in youth ministry in college, summer camps, and as a volunteer after stepping away from vocational youth ministry, discipleship has always been something in which I knew mattered and was neglected (Matthew 28:19-20). I’ve been blessed in a lot of ways, lay leadership in church, teaching a Sunday School class now of adults, and certainly in working in Christian Education (1 Peter 4:10). Nevertheless, especially since starting seminary in January 2022, I have felt the tug of maybe missing an opportunity to step into pastoral ministry, particularly in an age with less and less faithful men entering ministry for the right reasons (1 Timothy 3:1-7). At times, it feels there are increasingly fewer pastors who truly would sacrifice worldly success for the things of First Importance (Philippians 3:7-8). I know feelings don’t reflect reality; no doubt, there are many faithful pastors who are just faithfully serving, not celebrities (1 Corinthians 4:1-2).
All that to say, I know for this season, I am called to remain teaching High School (Colossians 3:23-24). I don’t know if it’s forever; it very much could be. I also am pursuing a Biblical Counseling Degree. While that degree could simply make me a better teacher, better father, better husband, and even a better friend (Proverbs 27:17), it doesn’t mean God won’t move me in a different direction someday (Jeremiah 29:11). I am not planning that move, but I want to be about God’s Kingdom above my own kingdom of self (Matthew 6:33). So while I may continue to feel that longing (maybe too strong a word) for missing the call for vocational pastoral ministry, I must take comfort in the reality that I do not have to leave where I am currently placed by God to be pastoral (1 Thessalonians 5:11).
Frederick Buechner used writing as his medium of pastoral ministry. In fact, he once said in “The Sacred Journey,” “Writing is a way of listening to myself, a way of finding out what I think and feel and believe” (Psalm 139:23-24). I read that at least a decade ago, and it has rattled around in my head ever since. I so closely identify with that sentiment, and I think there is potential for me to follow that path (Proverbs 16:3). I don’t pretend to be a great writer, but it helps me. I can be honest, ask questions, leave room for the Holy Spirit to speak (John 14:26), and not have all the answers. It helps me process, and at times, I think my attempts at vulnerability and honesty have truly helped myself and others to be a little more brave. The last several months, I have had the thought placed on my heart over and over: I could be used by God in small ways like Buechner, to encourage, build up the Kingdom, challenge assumptions, unpack scripture, and share the quiet journey of obedience (Hebrews 10:24-25). If nothing else, if I could humbly direct people to Jesus, I would be thankful (John 12:32).
Brian Maloy 